I wrote a blog last week that I was going to post, but it felt flat. I talked about how things have been going in Aiken, and the changes to come, but it didn’t really touch on how I’ve been feeling these past two weeks. One of my goals in writing blogs is to share what I’m learning while juggling a corporate job, upper level equestrian pursuits, and trying to figure out life, so I want to be as authentic as possible in how I’m feeling.
January was the month I expected it to be. Cedric, Chandler and I arrived in South Carolina and jumped right into full training, including regular lessons with Tim Bourke, schooling over at The Vista and Bruce’s Field, and preparing for a series of competitions. Chandler made his 2019 competition debut at Stable View H.T. the last week of January and was a complete star. Cedric was having fantastic schools and getting more and more relaxed with every outing to Bruce’s field, so I was feeling pretty good going in to our first outing of the year at Sporting Days Farm the first week of February. All this fun was interrupted by a week in Baltimore having numerous tests done at Johns Hopkins to continue the quest for a true diagnosis for whatever issue I’ve been dealing with since November. While the attempt was unsuccessful (and a bit disheartening), I did get some quality time with my parents and my mom’s new puppy, which I’m very grateful for.
February then came, and the happy bubble of having it all together popped. Cedric’s cross country anxiety issues reared their head (quite literally) at Sporting Days on our way to the second fence, and we ended up not finishing. I made the decision that we would have one more go at Pine Top after some additional schooling, and if we still weren’t able to get through the finish flags, he would be leased out to a dressage or jumper home. Thankfully, we had a lovely and relaxed go around the training at Pine Top and will keep kicking on with the season.
The decision was also made to sell Chandler. I adore this horse, but it’s time to start focusing on sourcing my next upper level horse, and he deserves to be #1 in someone’s life. There is also a heavy financial component to this, as with February came unexpected financial burdens, including my medical costs, unexpected repairs needed on my truck, Cedric telling me his 17-year-old body needs some maintenance, and the anticipation of increased horse costs in Boston. And this is where I’m about to get really real on the emotional aspects of being 24 and trying to hold myself and my equestrian pursuits up financially and mentally.
It’s exhausting. I’m always hustling to fit my full day of consulting work in, while taking care of my horses, training, and trying to keep myself healthy. To still worry at the end of the day about whether I can afford to go out to dinner (and dinner in Aiken is not that expensive), or if I can really afford that competition I’m working so hard to train for is exhausting. Worrying about how I’m going to make this all work when I move back north so that I can keep moving towards my goals but also have a semblance of a life is exhausting. (Some quick perspective on the rider that works a non-horse job: often we’re really not in any better of a financial position than those that are making horses their full-time profession, especially when we’re young adults. I think the assumption is sometimes made that by taking a job outside of horses, we’re able to afford everything with ease, but I can assure you that is not the cases. Horses and eventing are expensive no matter what, and we’re all doing this because we love it and can’t imagine life without it.)
Ironically enough, the energizer I needed came in the form of a work trip up to DC. Normally, I would expect a 48-hour trip that involved, driving, flying, working, and managing horse care from afar would just add to the overwhelmed exhaustion I was already feeling. But it gave me the perspective I needed.
We all love going to Aiken because of the warmer weather and endless opportunities to work on our equestrian training. But there’s not much else going on to distract you when your budget stops allowing for a regular cadence of schooling and competition. Walking around DC the last two days, I was reminded that there is a whole world out there not revolved around horses and full of opportunities to make an impact larger than myself. As riders, I think we need this perspective in our lives. Our horse world becomes a bubble, and it’s easy to feel lost when your main horse is laid up with an injury, or you can’t afford to compete for a period of time, or things just aren’t going well. I am so appreciative of the other passions my work outside of horses allows me to focus on when things in my riding life aren’t going well, and I encourage all riders, even those doing it full time, to have something else in your life you really care about so the world doesn’t completely turn dark when your equestrian goals are derailed. I needed this reminder and am so grateful I got it this week when my world had been turning dark.
I am returning to Aiken with renewed energy. Energy to make the most of the 6 weeks I have left down here, even if I’m not competing as much as originally planned. Energy to be excited for the move to Boston for my own personal life (often sacrificed in pursuit of this sport) and faith that I will find a situation for Cedric that is affordable. Energy to keep pursuing my passions outside of horses, both for my job and the future I envision for my career. And most of all, energy to allow myself to explore life and not worry about settling or having it all together. Many years ago, I told myself I’d have it figured out and be settled on a path by 25, and that doesn’t need to be the case. But I’ll save that for the next time I write.
I can’t sign off without thanking the friends and family that have been there for me, both in person and afar. I’ve made some incredible new friends in Aiken, reconnected with others, and maintained close relationships with the amazing ones who are not down here. I’m sure I don’t say it enough because I’m not great at expressing or sharing feelings but thank you for everything you do to keep me going. Please don’t ever hesitate to tell me when you need something, even if it’s just sharing your excitement or frustrations (or just some chips and dip).
Until next time,
JL